Thursday, 2 January 2014

Directionless

Well, as you know I have been in ADM for one semester.
And streaming was in the cards now.
I got streamed into Photography.
My first choice was Visual Communications.
No surprises there, my GPA wasn't brilliant. But neither was it bad. I even secretly hoped that I would get put into Photog and here I am, in a major that I so very much want to learn from.
But at the same time, I marvel at graphic design works alot and they inspire me to work even harder for what I want in the future.
Then there is also my confusion - what exactly do I want in the future?
The only thing that's for sure, I want to make beautiful things.
Things out of love & the desire to be better.

But these choices now only drive me towards even more confusion.
And leave me directionless because I know not where to turn to and which paths to take.

Sometimes I wonder about my past and think about my mother's words.
And I have to say that my past really shaped the person I am now.
Not in a positive way. I wasn't exposed to the arts of any kind, except school art lessons.
I knew SHIT about art. I didn't have a chance to experience anything other than rigorous academic work and a really frustrating subject called MATHEMATICS.
Which I was good at in the beginning, but even that started to wear off.
And with all this pressure on society and all it's endless boundaries and limitations, it really makes you doubt yourself. It made me doubt myself.
My abilities, my strengths, my character and my worth.

It took me so long to get the courage to deviate from all of that.
And now that I did, I have no regrets at all.
Not even when I didn't get my first choice of major. Everything I've done since I've been in ADM has been such a learning process, albeit very tough and tedious and suicidal many a time.
I have learnt about many things, to do new things, and to really see things.
Perception is what I've really gained.
My teachers may not have been the best (well everyone has their preference I'm sure), but I have learnt something, in one way or another, however minuscule that lesson may have been.

From now on, the struggle will continue as I look for my identity in this new world.
A world that my parents knew nothing about, nor my friends.
All I can say is, so what if I didn't get into the most popular major?
By no means is it the best.
Everyone starts somewhere, and we can all learn if we just try.
So I will try.
I will try everything I can.



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