Saturday, 22 November 2014

I hate you, Bregy Chow, for giving up.
I hate you for not fighting for me.
I hate you for letting go.

I hate you, because the one person who I thought would fight for me did not do it.
I hate you.
Because that could be the only way I know how to stop loving you.

And I hate this so much I could throw everything away just like that.

I hate all of you.
I hate all of you who are lucky enough to not be in this situation.
I hate all of you who have the privilege of sharing your life with someone.
I hate all of you who are so drunk in love and so blessed.
I hate all of you who have someone who will fight for you and who will hold your hand through thick and thin.

I hate you.
I hate all of you.

Here I am sitting in this cold ass motherfucking room, at war with my own thoughts.
Chaos in my head.
Thinking of the most negative things and hurting myself emotionally over and over again.
Don't ask me to take it easy.
Don't tell me it'll get better.
Because right now I am dying.
My insides are melting away.
My soul is shattered.

Right now I really need to get myself together and complete 2 papers next week.
But nothing is left of me, nothing is left in me.
Trust me when I say I have tried everything.
But it just keeps coming back.
I have no more tears to cry but they just come out.
By some miracle, I cry and scream until I am tired.
But the next few hours or the next day I start again.

Just like how I cried in my mum's arms this morning when she asked me about you.
She saw me crying and all she could do was hold me like a fucking baby.
Because that's how helpless I am.
That's how much it hurts.
It is taking all that is left of my energy and will power just to sustain myself as a living human being.

I don't know anymore.

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